I had come home after dropping my Graduate School in the middle of my second semester. I was engaged and the wedding was due in exactly ninety days. May 3^rd, 2020. I quickly completed the wedding shopping and counted my days till I could go and visit Kanha. There was a new purpose. An ease. A moment of relaxation where I had nothing to worry about, just moments of learning and spending time with my guide and stay connected to my heart in each moment. There was an elaborate amount of planning and I couldn’t wait to reach Kanha as soon as possible.

That’s when COVID-19 decided to visit India; in the first week of March. A tiny dread creeped in, of perhaps not being able to make it in time. However, things happened, and I was here, in Kanha. It was supposed to be a 3-week visit. But, the lockdown happened, and today is my 47^th day here. Almost 7 weeks.

• It began with a breakfast with my guide. Thinking about it still brings a smile to my face. His granddaughter is a new little friend I have established a delicate friendship with. She calls me – Kashush. My latest nickname.

• Then there is this joy of staying at a place, which is now home. It’s the joy of having a space to retire too when things get a little too much, and you can stay in, and stay put. There is no other place in the world I’d rather be, than here, during this time of lockdown.

• There is a kitchen at this home which has helped me meditate better. In every vegetable I slice and chop, and in every way, I put efforts in keeping it clean, in those few seconds of prayer of gratitude before I devour the meal, I have discovered, the joy of heartful cooking and eating. My mother once said, “You can win hearts of people through food.” Remember the movie, Ratatouille? That tiny mouse? I feel as happy as that little guy when I step in the kitchen.

• I share this space of home with boys who in a way have helped me open my heart. They would be there, saying, “Beloved sister, kindly show your face only. Lunch waits for you…”. They’ve taught me a new language which involves the replacing of any joyful/spiritual feeling with the word – ‘Heavy’. For example, “It’s heavy rocking only” is the better version of “It’s lit”. We would sing together, eat together, have midnight meals together, meditate together, complete work together. It’s the dream team after all. #DTeam

• Elizabeth Denley (ED) is my new mentor. Meeting her has been a beautiful synchronicity and I think to myself every time I sink in the extra comfortable cushion in the room of her own (pun intended), ‘How did I get so lucky?’ She reminds me of my grandmother, the kindest, happiest, and loving human I know. Every time I knock at her door, and pop my head in and say, “Hey ED, may I come in?” And ED, with her kind eyes, looks at me, with a smile featuring her kind face and she replies, “Hey gorgeous, come in.” It’s the tiny heartfelt compliment, that makes me drop all my worries. Her space is another dimension graced with scents, and a cozy feeling. She sees me, understands me, and I’m gone. Simply gone.

• I have always valued friendships with women. There is something so empowering and comfortable to confide into someone, who understands you in the perspective you wish to share. I have had a terrible time recently with some of my friends from college, and it’s been easier to understand and make peace with myself over time. I miss them and love them, terribly. I now value the connections that I make, even more. It’s perhaps a ride swing in the park together or attending a group call meeting together. It’s learning about plants in the night walks, and sometimes just the smile you pass to each other, and you know that you’re not alone.

• I’m grateful to my fiancé who introduced me to some of his friends and now, they’re the people I go to every time I miss home, home-cooked food, or the feeling of a family. “Are you sure, I’m not disturbing you?” They would roll their eyes, and reply, “Come anytime, without asking. Join us A N Y T I M E.” I don’t know what to do with so much love.

• Generosity is much more visible and tangible these days. Generosity is the new young friend of mine, who would join me in my every cooking adventure. He reminds me of my little sister I miss dearly back home. Generosity is in the couple of people around the block who would make sure that this home is never empty of meals and company. Generosity is in the small talks of people who would pass by and peep in, making sure we’re all doing well. Generosity is in the sunlight which every day, without fail, fills the corner of this home with its golden glow.

• There have been some weird experiences too. Like getting an ear-cut, or walking in an eerily quiet place, or the preparation of a surprise gift shut in half because of self-isolation, realizing that sometimes it’s okay to feel grumpy and it’s normal to complain. I’m not a saint. I’m not perfect. I’m a human. My meditation practice and my condition inside has truly been a roller-coaster here. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Enough said.

• There are no nights. There are no days. It’s just time. What time is it? Time to eat. What time is it? Time to work. What time is it? Time to have fun. What time is it? Time to breathe and smile. What time is it? Time to meditate. What time is it? Time to sleep. My mobile calendar has proved itself to be a helpful tool to help me keep a track of the date when every second seems to be a vivid blur. I now have lunch, dinner and dinner 2.0. I’m thinking of renaming dinner 2.0 as – Dinfast, or Breakner. What would you suggest?

• I haven’t written in my diary for the past 4 months now. It’s been tough. But I found a new way to put those feelings out. Audio recording diaries. I speak out and the file is saved. This verbal processing is a new way which is helping me address every moment and stay connected to myself.

• There have been fun experiences which involve beautiful morning meditation sessions followed by a deep nap, random movie nights, visiting the new home ten minutes across the street and raiding all the food supplies there, Korean drama, sending mosquitoes to the brighter world, video calls with two sets of parents and friends you haven’t connected to in a while, meditation sessions at 3:30 am, virtual meditation seminars, lists of deadlines, drawing a mandala, a birthday party on zoom, the engagement of another friend, inside jokes and dark jokes with new friends, podcasts, online grocery shopping, poetry nights, keeping your mobile phone on airplane mode 24/7. Even this list is never ending.

• I have been working on something. This little joy is anonymous, sacred, and confidential. Some mysteries are best enjoyed with someone special.

• Writing. I’m here, at this place to volunteer and contribute in a way which I feel the most comfortable with. Each day, I’m given new writing tasks, challenges, styles, content, editing, reviewing, proposals, and freedom to explore and let the writing happen to me.

• A little joy I’m highly grateful for is the existence of windows. I could peek in the window of my favorite people, and they would wave at me and that act enough brings happiness on a low day.

• This pandemic is shaping life in newer ways. My wedding has been shifted and can only be decided when the situation around us, makes more sense. But, with a long-distance relationship, it has made the heart grow fonder. It’s tough to keep communication alive over a phone call. A silence on the phone call is different than the comfortable silence shared in physical proximity. However, my fiancé and I find newer ways to keep a check on each other. We stay connected over memes (of course) and excel sheets. Connections over how the day was spent, or how was your latest spiritual experience. Sharing of rants and pictures of random objects or moments that remind us of each other. The time zones keep us in check and help us respect time of each other, but one of my favorite hours of the day is the hour scheduled for our call. There is nothing special, it’s super normal. And that’s what makes it special. To have someone special creep in your life gently that it seems the new normal. It seems the new comfortable.

I shall look forward to reading this again, and again in future. To remember the divine condition.